The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
