He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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