So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
