my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
