he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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