he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
