there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
