FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
