Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
