I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
