I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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