you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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