ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
