i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
