you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
