Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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