i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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