I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
