honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
