The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
