Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
