Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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