i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
