I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
