my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
