don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish my penis had a tongue
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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