My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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