**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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