I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize