I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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