for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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