had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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