I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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