sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I supernannyed him into submission
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
