There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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