I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
