pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
