Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize