These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
