There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
