Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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