His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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