ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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