I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
