I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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