Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
