I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just invented taco cereal.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize