I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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