the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
