New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
