Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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