I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
