Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
