If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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