Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
