the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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