He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
