I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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