My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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