Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
