No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
