That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
